Be the Captain of Your Own Ship
A stoics guide to other people
What keeps brilliant people from being extraordinary are their beliefs about other people’s judgment and opinions. Society, people, education — all have a normalizing effect on people. An effect which is harmful to both those who are brilliant as well as those who feel different.
This is a guide on how to care less about other people’s judgment, without becoming nihilistic, to become more in control of your own well-being.
1. Inner fulfilment is better than external validation
“No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
It is true that you are connected to a whole, now more than ever. Almost everything you eat or enjoy wouldn’t be available if you tried to be self-sustainable. But, we often let the line blur between ourselves and others.
When do you feel good about yourself or get a kick? Many reasons rely on other people. If other people make you happy, that might be fine. But, if the absence of external verification gives you worry, doubt, or make you harbor even darker thoughts, you are holding the rule book of the game of life upside down.
You should, at least try to, be in the driver’s seat.
2. Don’t let fear drive your actions and course
You can live in the now, striving towards things, or trying to avoid things. Living life in fear will not make it better, even worse is fearing the fear itself.
Fear of something is usually worse than the matter itself. That fear also stretches over a far longer time than the unpleasantly of the possible lousy experience itself.
When you know what you fear, it no longer controls you.
3. You protect your property, but not your mind
I bet you have a lock on your door and bike, have insurance, and are gentle around precious objects you own. You wouldn’t invite angry strangers to your bedroom.
But, you let anyone online get to your mind and create havoc. If something makes you angry, sad, fearful online, do less of it and avoid it. My general rule of thumb is to decide if to Fix, Ignore, or Accept.
I realize I never regretted not doing something or saying No, but more often when I did go, said Yes, or added another thing to my to do-list or agenda. Change your Fear Of Missing Out, to a Joy Of Missing Out.
4. Be the great person in the movie
Figuring out who you are, what you think, and what parts of your emotional compass you should trust is something I believe few master. And, maybe it is hard to swallow What Would Jesus Do, if you are secular.
So, how does one get a Northstar or guidance?
My favorite trick is to imagine life being a movie, and you are the amazing character. The person who just does the right thing. When in doubt, you just ask yourself “What would Mr. Darcy do?” Or whatever your name is in your movie. Remember, you set the bar.
5. Emulate a single player game
Whenever you are creating things, try to believe that life is a true single player game. Everyone you will interact with are Non-Player Characters. Hey, be nice to them, but don’t let their opinions kill you.
Write blog posts for yourself. Instagram to remember wonderful moments. Pick up digital garbage, because you want to live in a better world. If someone bashes you online, they are playing another game with other rules and either just accept that or avoid them.
The same applies to buying things. You don’t need any object to make other people like you. Most purchases give the same short rush as a joint, drink, or alike.
6. Don’t pollute
Even if other people don’t really exist for you to become happy, you can’t treat them bad. Benjamin Franklin had an amazing method to solve this; he wrote angry letters to people he disagreed with. But never posted them.
Sometimes life truly feels like a mirror; if you send out anger, you will get it back. Same with fear. Same with envy.
Being yourself, and the best version of that, means that you will attract people who like the real you.
7. Run a dashboard, not a leaderboard
It is too easy to compare yourself to the Non-Player Characters or even people that are dead. If Mozart did most of the great work at a younger age doesn’t mean you won’t be worthy of a good life past that age.
We tend to pick the best of other people. Dare like Amelia Earhart, invest like Ray Dalio, run like Usain Bolt, love like Mother Theresa, invent like Elon Musk, and play chess like Deep Blue. But you have to be all of them, not just their best trait.
Other people are not competitors, combatants, verification. Be the best yourself and run the dashboard against yourself.
8. Never be a victim
When someone hurts you, remember Hanlon’s razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity” or “Don’t assume bad intentions over neglect and misunderstanding.”
A lot of times when people say bad things, don’t invite you, don’t credit you, or ignore you, is not because they want you ill. They might have their ghosts, fears, worries or not just the time to put the effort to be nice.
Decide who is worthy. If you wouldn’t follow someone’s advice, why should you be hurt by their critique?
As a victim, you are paralyzed, but as an actor, you can make life better.
9. You are the only one looking after yourself
Your parent, spouse, friends, and everyone else might want you well. But you can’t depend on them to make you happy.
As Steve Jobs said “everything around you is made by other people, just like you”, I would say that everything inside you is made by you. It’s your choice to get insulted. It’s your choice to overreact.
As the stoics say: You can’t control what happens to you, only how you react.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t care about others’ joy, respecting others’ time and attention, or that you should isolate or insulate yourself. The golden rule is gilded for a reason. Life hardest part is being the captain of your own ship, master of your mood, and director of your own goals.
The goal is to switch from getting dopamine or adrenaline from other people to getting oxytocin and serotonin from other people. But that is the matter for another blog post.
